What was in the air and water in the 70s besides pure crack that made people create such long ass songs? By the time a semblance of music actually appears, I feel like I’ve gone through three divorces, five kids, and four jobs. This is just sounds? And yeah, I know music is just sounds, but it also has to have some, I don’t know, musicality to it? These songs feel like the background sounds they use in films. Not background music. Background sounds.
So picture this. It’s an action movie. The first song sets the scene. Our main guy is relaxing, living his best life. He’s rich, handsome, all women fight to the death over him. He’s out in town trying to get with one of these said women. He’s at a bar. He sees her and falls in love because she’s not like other girls. She isn’t giving him attention, which means he’s gotta have her. She gives him a look that lasts two seconds too long and leaves.
He quickly stands up, forcefully smashing his whiskey on ice on the countertop. He rushes outside in hopes of finding her. The end of that first song is playing as he pushes through the crowd. He finally sees her. He reaches out his hand, but right when he’s about to touch her shoulder, he’s swallowed by the crowd.
Unbeknownst to him, this was a setup. He realizes he is actually being dragged away, and since he is in such a big crowd, no one notices anything suspicious. He’s been blindfolded. As the blindfold is taken off and he opens his eyes, he realizes that he has no idea where he ended up or how much time has passed. Everything is dark. He can only tell he is in some sort of warehouse.
As he tries to make out his surroundings, a silhouette appears in the corner of his eye. It’s the woman he saw at the bar. This whole thing was a trap, he thinks to himself. The boss makes himself visible as well. He tells our protagonist that he has been chosen. He is the one that’s going to help them with their investigation. He’s the only one that could do it. Why, you may ask? It’s never explained. It’s irrelevant. He’s the protagonist. Why would you question the logic of this movie?
The rest of the song plays as the plan and its details are explained. We skip a little bit so we can get to the next song. They are in the van, waiting for the museum thieves to appear. Of course it’s a heist movie. A bad one at that. For some time, nothing happens. Then, at a specific minute in the song, the thieves enter the museum. Our protagonists storm the building. A chase ensues. It goes on and on. They catch the thieves. Bla bla, unimportant.
Time skip again. The last song is there just as an outro. We see our guys living the time of their lives. The main guy and that girl end up together because of course they do, even though they barely spoke throughout the entire movie and basically just hated each other the whole time. But hey, that’s the beauty of straight relationships.
